Ending Relationships and Divorce

When things are good, you’re joyful and grateful.

But more often than not, things aren’t going that well these days.

It’s so hard to believe because you thought this person was the one. The last one.

And things were so different, especially in the beginning. Some past relationships were abusive and problematic, and this person was different. Not perfect, but you thought the two of you were on an entirely different track than you’d ever been on before.

It just doesn’t seem real that this one could also end. And if it does end, “What the hell is love, anyway, if this isn’t it?”

Then you remember that relationships are hard long-term. It’s not easy for anyone. Maybe you need some tools to make it work. But then, what if you’re the only one in the relationship willing to work? Is that fair?

You think yourself in circles and need someone to lay it all out with – if you could have a nonjudgmental person hear the full story and help you assess what to do.

Sometimes, you want validation about where you are, and, sometimes, you need encouragement to make the next step. It could help the other person go to therapy or couples therapy. It could be guidance on communicating better or bringing up an issue with a partner. It could be support with finally deciding to leave.

Breaking up? Sometimes it’s just too much to think about…

You have deal breakers. But, when you’ve built a life with someone, should you try to make it work anyway?

If your partner cheated on you, you’re probably reeling with disgust, anger, shame, defeat, and betrayal. So many negative emotions are just sitting there, boiling up before you consider your future.

My job is to help you move through those emotions. There’s no need to rush; we want to honor the validity of the negative emotions. Your distrust is a fine layer dusting every interaction with them, and it doesn’t feel like it will ever go away. But is this forever?

You might wonder if what happens between you and your partner is abusive. If so, how does that ever end? You might constantly be wavering between staying and going. You’ve heard mixed messages from friends and family about what to do, but they don’t know the whole story.

Can you just get a clear answer about what’s happening and whether the relationship can be saved? Is there someone you can tell the whole story to once and for all? If you did want to leave, how would you find safety?

Perhaps you’re in a chaotic stage in your relationship. You’re both stressed in a way you’ve never been before, and it’s taking a toll on your relationship. You’re barely able to handle the events in your own life, and your partner is asking or taking more from you.

You’re worried the relationship won’t make it through these tumultuous times. Or, maybe you know this means you aren’t meant for each other after all, but you don’t see a way out AT ALL. Can a therapist help you end something you know needs to end, even though there’s a part of you that irrationally wants to hold on?

When you need some help sorting it all out…

Therapy is the place to be. Here, you can process your thoughts and feelings without pressure to stay together or break things off.

I’m not a couples therapist, but my clients find the ease of my guidance during the most tumultuous stages of romantic relationships to be key in their coping. I’m a steady, calm presence that assesses, not judges, your situation.

I believe that when we are faced with big emotions about big life decisions, we often watch the story of our past unfold before us. We both gain clarity on what’s really going on with you as you interact with your partner. We find out the big issues and how to sort them out.

I know it’s hard, but the right breakup and divorce support during such a significant change in your life is a way to learn about who you are and how you came to be. It can help you not make similar mistakes in the future (within the relationship or after it’s over).

I support and validate while you work through what’s happening in your relationship. I can often see patterns and themes that help clients gain clarity about the next steps in the relationship they’re in. I honor every stage in decision-making and can also serve as a gauge to remind you of your growth along the way.

After our work together, clients with relationship issues often say…

“This all makes so much more sense now.”
“What you said has really helped me in arguments.”
“Your voice has become my voice of reason in those tough moments when I have to do the right thing.”
“I’ve found my authentic self.”

Gale* was tragically empathetic.

She STRONGLY felt what others were feeling.

Gale was working overtime to save her two-year relationship with Mark*, an endeavor that started when she found out he had been talking to other women on Instagram.

When Mark pleaded with her not to leave him, she felt his pain and gave him a second chance. She thought they could get through it.

But the second chance wasn’t working, so Gale came to therapy.

We discussed her needs, wants, and deal-breakers in life and relationships. We processed the different triggers for her when she interacted with Mark.We used a “floatback technique” to investigate the roots of her triggers. In this technique, we connected to a childhood memory through a feeling in her body. When she could allow herself to feel those old feelings brought up by her interactions with Mark and move past them, she was no longer governed by them. She could see him and their interactions more clearly.

We also did some breathwork sessions to bring forth the repressed emotions regarding her role in relationships with men and others who had been in control in her life. As we put together the picture of her past pain, she could see how she had to put her foot down and break up with him. The process wasn’t overnight (though it is for some!). There was ebb and flow as Gale verbally processed her inner turmoil with me. I continued to be the comfort and support she needed to stay true to herself and the vision she had for her life.

Greg* and Dave* had been together for a long time…

Twelve years, to be exact… and they had been married for five. And neither wanted to throw their relationship out the door.

But the constant arguing was too much, and Greg could no longer handle how Dave exploded at him during disagreements.

They needed better communication skills, more effective rules, and clearer boundaries. They actually needed to learn how to argue!

I worked with Greg individually on how to express his needs and wants to Dave in an authentic and respectful way.

Greg felt like he was speaking from his heart about his experience in the relationship, telling the story to Dave instead of blaming or shaming him. I shared with Greg an example of typical “rules” that couples have agreed upon in their relationship and encouraged him to talk to Dave about making a similar list that worked for them both.

Lastly, as we progressed in therapy, Greg was more and more confident about what a healthy relationship looked like and thus felt more confident in setting boundaries about how they communicated, particularly when Dave exploded at him.

Wherever you are in your relationship journey…

… if you’re looking for individual therapy to help guide you through, reach out for a free 20-minute phone consultation at (805) 836-0975.

Or, if you prefer, email me to set up a time or just ask more questions: therapy@drlesliewright.com.

I’m here for you.